I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
