Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
