y did u give ur computer a hand job?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
