I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
