What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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