a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
