found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Randomize
