At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
