i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
