Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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