Soap is not a condiment
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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