Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
