just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
