Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
This gyro tastes like lonliness
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
