I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
