My underwear smells like fireworks.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
