I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
