She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
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