He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
