Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
