Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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