Hey man sorry I got all grabby
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
