Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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