You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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