I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
