omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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