In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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