I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I just blew my weed a kiss
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
