While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
