This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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