last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
