Tell her she can't have a vagina
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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