theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Randomize
