Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
