Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
did you just send me my own nude
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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