omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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