Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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