Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
