would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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