im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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