I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
