Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
