i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Randomize
