i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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