i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
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