put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
