You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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