Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
