I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
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