I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
