I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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