Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
How does it feel to date your dad?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize