I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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