this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Randomize
