Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
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