if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
