I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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