I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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