we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize