My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize