No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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