I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
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