morning after pill = breakfast in bed
My vagina just recognized that song.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
