alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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