I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
