yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
