gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
