Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
